Language Problems
A huge number of Thais do not like the English language. They feel it's a cold, emotionless thing that doesn't allow them to express feelings. The English language is accused of gradually destroying the Thai culture by implementing Western or American ideas into Thai brains. Hence, few people bother to learn English. This situation is rarely a problem for Thais, since manuals for all sorts of consumer goods come with Thai translations and even computer software such as MS Windows, MS Office, Winamp and many more are available in Thai.
When Thais speak English, they twist the English language in a funny way. They use English and Thai words together, while they follow the Thai order of words. Phrases that have a meaning only as a whole, get translated word-by-word so that confusion arises.
Here my most popular misunderstandings:
I call someone on the telephone, the other side lifts the receiver and says "hello !". I say "Hi, this is Martin. Who's talking ?" I hear the other side laugh and say "falang" to someone in the room. Then the receiver is put down. I redial and as soon as the other party hears me speaking English, the receiver is put down again. If it's a factory-internal call, I rush over to the place where I find the misbehaving person, and make some noise. If my mood is right, I send an e-mail to her boss. Yes, some people really hate me.
Traffic police stops me and sais "You open light !". I would reply "It's a sealed beam, how can I open it". The policeman actually wanted to tell me that I was driving with my headlights on during the day.
I carry my bicycle up to my flat, using the elevator of the condo. While in the elevator, a lady sais to me "You open light !", pointing at the headlight on my bike. So I come back and say "Who are you to tell me that I have to open the lamp ? There's nothing wrong with it, I won't touch it !!" Actually, she was curious and wanted to see my light burning, asking me to turn it on for her. Now she adds to the list of people who consider me "no good".
At the office, work on the electrical system is going on. A clerk advices me "You cannot open computer". I reply "What do YOU know what I can ? See, here I got my screwdriver and there is the key for the lock. I can open my computer anytime, but now there's no reason to do it. So what do you want from me, actually ?!". She tried to tell me that it would be better if I shut down my computer because the power could be disconnected.
At the company canteen's fruitshop: "One sweet mango, please." - "You mango sweet" - "No, it's sweet mango" - "Mango sweet" (the guy would be laughing).
A guy on the road shouts at me "You come from !!". If I care to reply, I would maybe say "Oh yes, I come from. Thank you." or I say "I come from the bank". He would be puzzled and say "You America ! You Australia !" and I would ask "What do you want ?".
I park my bicycle and someone asks me "Bicycle you how many !" - "I have two bicycles." - "No, bicycle you money how many !" - "Your question is very indiscreet, are you going to steal my bicycle ?" - "Bicycle you how many !!" - "Now leave me alone, I'm not selling it !"
Pointing at my GPS, a guy says "What". I say: "It's the GPS12, a bit old now, but it's fine for me." - "You GSM very big !" - "Come on, why don't you just visit the Garmin website at www.garmin.com" - the guy is puzzled.
Not speaking Thai (if I learned it, I would probably lose my clear and systematic working style), I tend not to waste my time with people who have slept during their English lessons.
Note: People who have slept during English lessons usually have slept during Maths and other lessons as well. Thais who speak English often perform better than those who don't. It's something to keep in mind when hiring or subcontracting.
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